It's okay to not be okay. No matter how long.
At some point even after we applied and practiced all the self-empowerment techniques, and worked on ourselves, there's a moment where we just can no longer endure these throes.
And as a reminder: talking about suicide and mental health, depression, is important, but if anyone reads this, do not encourage others to self-exit on this blog. And if you have a plan to self-exit via the classic way, do not reveal it on this blog. Do not say you are going to end yourself on this blog. It's okay to say you feel suicidal, but not more. It could put me in a dangerous position and I don't want to be interrogated.
This blog's community (and previously Starlight's blog) may look like a sort of disillusioned lament lake for now, but I hope to be able to diversify the scope of the discussion.
Meanwhile, I know there are possibly no starseed helplines, save for a Discord server I own, and some of you may not even trust the mental health system, even the alternative ones. If you want my email, or join the server, reach out to me. I am not a therapist but I can listen. However, I am NOT a replacement for professional help. I'm just a civilian, like you.
Let's be candid, but keep this place safe for everyone, please.
If you have any vents or complaints about your mental state, the comment section of this page here is appropriate.
My default mental state, setting aside the stresses and fears of living in this system, is actually quite strange. I'm very certain it's a direct result of that time I took SSRI medications for only a few days bacj in 2019 because I was literally going crazy from a false Dark Night of the Soul style awakening thing that went wrong. I didn't know about starseeds then but was into other New Age and spiritual teaching frameworks, including Victorian era Theosophical Society stuff.
ReplyDeleteWhat the medication did was kill a lot of my emotional and imaginative capacity, as well as leaving me feeling uncomfortably disconnected from my body and physical life (think like permanently ungrounded).
My capacity to feel various positive and comfortable things is diminished and it feels a bit like being disconnected to my own being, although I understand it's just an artificial medical injury.
There is a name for this condition, "PSSD" (not going to spell out the acronym because it might not be appropriate for this blog, due to one of the "S" letters). Other people have this condition in much worse and severe forms than I do, so I am grateful for that at least.
Something is definitely off about me and here are a few things I can no longer experience due to this artificial state: passionate emotion (particularly positive ones), affective empathy is diminished along with my previous emotional sensitivity. I can also no longer feel sleepiness or sleep inertia after waking up. I cannot feel sadness much, but I definitely can still feel fear.
Ironically both decreased emotion and no sleepiness makes some things easier, but its still not worth the upsides and dampens enjoyment of simple little things most people take for granted a lot. Sometimes being sleepy feels amazing, and not being sleepy, makes actual sleep much less of an "escape" from this reality. It sucks.
Less imaginative capacity also means that fantasies and daydreaming aren't the escapes they used to be. I'm forced to always be hyper aware and conscious of waking objective reality while being largely "cut off" from internal subjective realities and mind states. It does make me more "sane" but this is sanity resulting from chemical supression, not wisdom, balance or self mastery.
I'm confident that in the scenario of an Event or death, this problem will be easily solved and/or go away and I'd be restored to my optimal self again and better even. I do take solace knowing it's temporary in a cosmic sense. However I'm beginning to forget what it used to feel like to be normal.
It's very hard to explain. This iatrogenic illness is like a total perception alteration. The world around me looks exactly the same, but it FEELS so so different, duller, more flat and unimmersive. I feel like I died in 2019 and I'm living a whole different sort of existence that I know deep in my bones is profoundly abnormal.
I do hope to one day understand the nature of what these Pharma drugs actually were and how and why they can do this to people.
The word "sexual" isn't a problem in itself. However posting detailed NSFW content is a problem.
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